Due to the political correctness now pervading America...

Kentuckians, Tennesseans and South Carolinians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES."

You must now refer to them as "APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS."

And furthermore...

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."

2. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

3. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

5. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes " VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a " LOW COST PROVIDER."

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is " OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He " INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."

4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

5. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

6. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "TROUSER CLEAVAGE"

In the beginning...

...there was a small town in Washington. We'll call it Riverside. It was a mill town, for the most part filled with hard-working, blue collar folk. I was born in this town in the mid-fifties, to a stay-at-home mom and a dad who was a millwright. An only child, I survived a very average childhood and turned out about as well as you'd expect. Graduated from high school, got a job. In my mid-twenties I met a guy, married him, moved away. Left said guy in my mid-thirties, moved farther away. Swore I'd never move back to Riverside. NEVER.

Now I'm in my early fifties. Unemployed. Single. And guess where I'm living. Yep, you guessed it, back in Riverside. In a trailer out behind my mom's house. Dad's been gone about ten years, Mom's not quite in her right mind, and I've come full circle, with the additional cachet of becoming trailer trash.

Life is good.